I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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