I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
