So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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