wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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