Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
