um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
