yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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