He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
