i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
