It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
