I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
