I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
