i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
