Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
