yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
