I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
where are my eyebrows?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
