you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
