tell your sister to shave her snatch
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
