it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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