Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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