My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
