plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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