according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
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