my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
