I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
