I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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