Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
