She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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