Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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