i need an iv and a liver transplant
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Someone came in the potted fern
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
