I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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