Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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