so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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