i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize