Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
