I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
