i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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