I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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