I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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