maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
