Where did you get a picture of my penis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
