I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
