I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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