I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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