I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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