Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
