Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We got so high we made milksteak
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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