So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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