Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
