First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize