after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
