Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
