i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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