You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize