I just saw a hot homeless man
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
