Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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