I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it glows. i had to have it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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