Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize