never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
